Something 4 The Weekend by
Welcome ladies, gentlemen and film
fans everywhere to entertainment manchester's weekly
feature 'Something for the Weekend'. Every Friday, we
deliver to you the best (and, in the interest of balance,
worst) of this week's new cinematic releases. If, as
Forrest Gump once might have said were he a film fan,
cinema really is like a box of chocolates, then think
of us as your mini-menu, steering you away from the
coffee creams and towards the Turkish delights of the
movie world.
The Big Picture
It's a barren, desolate cinematic landscape Hollywood is offering us this weekend. Thus far, 2006 has actually been rather good, quality-wise. We've already had Brokeback Mountain and the astounding Munich, original and daring films both. But as sure as ITV producing crap knock-offs of rubbish BBC programs (hello, Dancing on Ice) and Gillian McKeith poking around in other peoples' poo, the Hollywood sequel has made its return for the new year.
We should perhaps be grateful for small mercies. After all, we're deep in February now and there has been nary a whiff of a Van Helsing 2 or a Freddy vs Jason vs Ash vs Norman Bates vs Barry Chuckle. But alas, this weekend, we get not one, not two but three entirely unnecessary sequels winging their way to us in the shape of The Little Polar Bear 2 (ok, I'll go easy on this one. It's a kids film, it's half-term. It'll keep the little blighters off the White Lightning), Big Momma's House 2 and Final Destination 3. What a bunch of winners, eh?
First up, Big Momma's House 2 is the entirely unnecessary
sequel to the first entirely unnecessary Big Momma's
House film. Starring the entirely unnecessary Martin
Lawrence, it's the (probably) entirely unfunny tale
of a cross-dressing FBI agent who must become a nanny
to the family of a man under suspicion for murder. Yes,
folks! It's Mrs Doubtfire all over again, just without
the parental, heartwarming aspect.
Still, it can't be any worse than this week's second entirely unnecessary sequel, Final Desitnation 3. Taking the Speed 2 equation of sequel mathematics, it takes the original idea (Death comes back to kill teenagers who escaped his boney grasp first time round) but transposes it onto a roller coaster. Yes, you read that right. ON A ROLLERCOASTER!!! However, with a cast consisting of Z-list nobodies, it’s doubtful that it will feature Sean William Scott being decapitated, which, let’s face it, was the only real reason to watch the craptastic first one anyway.
Following on from the eco-aware 2003 original, Little Polar Bear 2: The Mysterious Island comes with one of those great BBFC 'contains very mild language and peril' warnings (beware sensitive parents) and continues the adventures of the titular little bear as he, perhaps after watching too much Lost, travels from the cold climbs of the Antarctic to the sunny tropics of the Galapagos Islands. Much joviality will ensue, but you can guarantee there’ll be a hopelessly cloying ‘moral message’ in there as well.
Still, the one plus point is that it uses traditional 2D animation rather than crumbling to the world of CGI which now, lamentably, has even taken Disney in its pixalated claws. After a fruitful relationship with Pixar since 1995's Toy Story, which saw Disney's 2D output all but buried beneath a glut of sequels like The Jungle Book 9: Balloo’s Revenge, the House of Mouse has decided to embrace the digital age and Chicken Little is their first fully 3D film.
Based on 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf' story it follows the titular fowl (as voiced by Zach Braff) after he claimed the sky was falling in. Sadly it wasn't. Well, not until aliens come to invade anyway. Sounds confusing. Looks it too. The kids'll probably dig it, but Disney look like they're forgetting what makes Pixar film so successful: fresh, funny characters and storylines which don’t patronise the young audience but entertain them.
Finally, unlikely to entertain the nippers is Proof, a serious drama…about Maths. Obviously forgetting the fact that the only entertaining film about Maths ever to be made is Darren Aronofsky’s Pi (and that’s only the case as it features a man forcing an electric drill into his head), Gwyneth Paltrow stars as the daughter of a dead maths genius (Anthony Hopkins) who enlists the help of Jake Gyllenhaal in trying to find PROOF for his crackpot theories. Sadly, Gyllenhall doesn’t seem to have brought his bunny friend Frank along as well.
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